WHAT I’M WORKING ON NOW IN MY BOUNDARY SETTING

Understanding boundaries is one thing, setting them is another. While I have been working on setting boundaries in my life for quite a while now, my nervous system is used to people pleasing and saying yes to everyone and everything. In fact, saying no feels so uncomfortable, that I find myself needing to justify and explain why I’m not coming along to something, replying to messages immediately or moving on from a relationship. So many of us have been wired to ignore our inner knowing and our needs to fit in and feel validated by others.

Setting boundaries with work has been the most challenging. I chose this job because it allows me to be flexible with my time so that I can be the mum I want to be. While it means the world to me to support mothers, I sometimes get sucked into overworking at the expense of spending time with my family. I have set my working hours so that I can be present with ilan and have quality time with my partner, but I often find myself still thinking about work, planning ahead in my head, and getting sudden impulses to act on something. I have found it so challenging to set my phone aside when I’m spending time with ilan, and I struggle not to bring up my work at the dinner table every day. I’m still working on setting boundaries with work and family life.

WHAT HAS WORKED SO FAR, and I’m still working on

Not answering to messages & emails on my days with ilan.

It’s not easy to commit to spending certain weekdays with my son when the rest of the world works during those hours, and demands my attention. Letting people know that it’s my day with my son and that I will get back to them another time brings up all kinds of fears and anxieties. Sometimes I simply don’t respond, or get back to them really late, because I find it overwhelming to justify myself each time.

Taking 20 minutes to play with ilan every day.

I like to take at least 20 minutes to be with ilan fully. No phones, no chores, no distractions, simply meeting him where he’s at. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes putting one block on top of another, or staying patient while he finds his way through a 4-piece puzzle brings up a sense of unease in my body. Like suddenly I’ll feel the urge to drink water, make tea, grab a snack, or I remember that the dogs need water, or that the washing machine finished 2 hours ago. I can clearly see how my mind is forcing me out of the discomfort of how boring it can be to play toddler games. Yet, I can see and feel our relationship getting that much deeper when I commit to playing with him.

Having breakfast and dinner together.

Sharing mealtimes sounds like a basic family activity. Maybe even mundane. But I find that the morning rush to get everyone up and ready for the day, and the bedtime marathon to get everyone down and ready for sleep can make me hurry through mealtimes, or can leave us eating separately and sometimes alone. Most days this works out, but sometimes when I exercise in the morning I miss breakfast with my family. Sometimes when I teach a Yoga class in the evening I miss dinner with my family. Although I acknowledge that trying to fit everything in, and getting it right each time is not realistic, I know that those minutes where we’re all eating together can be sacred.

Putting ilan to sleep every* night.

My partner and I take turns for bedtime. When it’s my turn, I try to follow ilan’s lead and pace. I let him play, sing, read or breastfeed as much as he wants. I try not to look at the time, and count how long it’s taking for him to fall asleep. But when I know that there’s still dishes to wash, or clothes to put away, or that email I didn’t get to send which feels urgent, I can’t help but count the minutes until he finally surrenders into sleep. There have been times when I feel like giving up and I go finish a thing or two before getting back to him. Sometimes it feels like the best decision, as he can take his time to feel ready for sleep, but other times all I feel is guilt for not doing it right. Ilan still breastfeeds to sleep, and I find this to be a precious moment for both of us, one which I don’t want to stop any time soon.

Having one evening/week with my partner.

We aim to spend an evening together every week, and we intentionally try not to bring up any talk on responsibilities, finances, work, or concerns. But sometimes this time together feels like the only chance we get to actually talk about all those important things, and inevitably we do. Sometimes we have to stay up later than we want to in order to actually have this time, because ilan has a late bedtime, and that can feel like an effort when we are so tired from interrupted nights and early starts. But even if all we get is 20 minutes to be with each other, it goes a long way in keeping us bonded & connected.

In which ways is boundary work coming up in your life?

If you’d like to work on this, perhaps you’d like to know more about my 1:1 Mini Health Coaching on Transforming your Habits. This is a short coaching session designed to help you implement the changes you wish to see in your life. Establishing habits for healthy boundaries starts from acknowledging that tiny daily actions have the potential to transform your life, and those of your loved ones, for the better.